December 2009
65 posts
2009
If today is an accurate portrayal of 2009 - GOOD RIDDANCE!
Go F yourself 2009……..
and while your at it - it would be awesome if you could F Doctor too. (that’s right. He sucked it up again.)
This is me
Dad: Did I wake you up?
Me: No, I'm on my computer sitting with my life partner.
Dad: Your dog?
Me: I wish you could be more accepting of my lifestyle, Dad. He has a name! "Your dog"...ugh.
Ugh talking to exes can be such a weird feeling
sade:
It’s like, I used to love you and we use to have inside jokes and I used to wake up beside you but in between then and now, something happened and my most recent thoughts of you have involved your untimely demise. So now we just politely discuss how unseasonably cold it is outside.
Couldn’t say it better.
Cousin Talk
Boy Cousin #1: (don't ask how this convo got started) Yeah, I have a totally healthy (insert generic man-part vernacular here).
Me: Um...How do you know this?! Are you doing independent research studies?
Boy Cousin #1: I've been playing sports all my life where locker rooms are involved. I've seen other guy's stuff.
Boy Cousin #2: Have you never played the game "Look at just people's eyes"?!?!
Me: I think he's more interested in playing the GAY-me.
My Perfect Guy
When I went out with my cousins the other night I spotted the most attractive guy EVER, and, even though I was in DC I thought, “Maybe he’s just visiting too, and we are actually from the same city, and we will go back and date, and fall in love.” So I pulled out all the stops. I did my “oh no! I’ve lost my people” routine where I walk around him looking...
Blackhole Theory
My new theory is that if you add “hole” to the end of a word it makes it way worse. For example:
Black doesn’t seem nearly as bad as blackhole then there’s: Asshole Bunghole D*ckhole (Sorry, MJH)
However, this theory has some…um…holes in it. Like “pot” is worse than “pothole”.
But…it’s a starting point.
One Week
Until I have to go back to work.
I really need to work at being independently wealthy.
I think I just found my new goal for 2010!!
The D.E.N.N.I.S System
D - Demonstrate value
E - Engage physically
N - Nurturing dependance
N - Neglect emotionally
I - Inspire hope
S - Separate entirely
Ew
I just read that text conversation, and realized that I came off too nice. Darnit!
In my defense, though, last time I saw him I said some pretty mean things (in addition to questioning his sexuality…) so…maybe I was just making up for it??
People who suck: Doctor. And, yeah....that's it.
Backstory: So…Last time I saw Doctor he talked about getting lunch with me at some point. I agreed thinking, “pshaw! I won’t hold my breath.” and then…..this.
Christmas Eve Text Messages: Doctor: Hey KTC, Merry Christmas! Hope you have a great time with your family.* Me: Merry Christmas to you too! Sorry you have to work!**
I thought that was it, but then…
...
Family Togetherness
So…My Cousin D.E.N.N.I.S systemed a girl while we were with family.
Bonus, the girl was my other cousin. (Don’t worry - one is from my mom’s side, and one is from my dad’s……but it’s still weird. I know.)
“I want your everything as long as it’s free.”
– Lady Gaga and Me. Although, I think we are talking about different things. I mostly just want the cheese sticks you have in your refrigerator…and maybe a full fat soda to tide me over.
Telephones
Last night Kansas Law called me. I didn’t answer.
Today Chadler texted me. I didn’t respond.
So…yeah. That’s that.
Exes Should Not Exist After Dating (text message...
NP: I just confirmed that (her ex) has a new girlfriend and I'm really not doing well. I think I may barf. I don't know how he can just do that that easy...this sucks.
Me: That asshole!!!! Call me as soon as you get out of work.
NP: Will do. I didn't sleep at all last night.
Me: If you feel up to it we can go on a walk or just sit and cry. You can cry over (her ex) having a gf, and I'll cry that I dated a douche.
Yeah, Universe, that is HILARIOUS
So…You know how I wrote the post “Guy Friends”? (It’s two below this one so…read up if you haven’t).
The night that I wrote that “The One That I Phased Out” (one of the four members of my little group) texted me a message that pretty much was a reminder that he still likes me. (I thought he had gotten over it. Honestly, I’m not that...
“Books are the ultimate Dumpees: put them down and they’ll wait for you forever;...”
– John Green (via kari-shma) (via quote-book)
Guy Friends
I have four really close guy friends in the city I live in. We make a little group, and, sometimes, outsiders don’t understand that group.
Tonight, I went out with D-Rock and one of his best friends (a newcomer), and this new guy kept trying to suggest that D-Rock and I date.
Why don’t people understand!?!? If I date one of them it will throw off the specialized ecosystem that I have...
Dear Mint.com,
Until you have good news about my bank account STOP SENDING ME MESSAGES!
XOXO,
KTC.
You know what sucks?
Having a bunch of people have crushes on you except someone that you would like to have a crush on you.
Or even knowing of ANYONE worth being excited about if they had a crush on you.
This sucks.
Really?!
Apparently, I have NO idea how much I flirt.
Football Player thought I was literally DATING Buddy.
Wow.
Max’s Mom, you will appreciate this.
Dear Men Who Text,
I know that there is a small subsection of you who like to use “emoticons”, but I refuse to use them, and I severly judge you when you do.
XOXO,
KTC
Football Player
Welp, I went out with a not-new, but kinda’ new guy tonight.
There’s not much to say, but I thought I should introduce in case there ever is.
Max’s Mom - don’t worry. (We have theories that he might be a major douche.) And, honestly, some of these rumors might be founded, but I think mostly it’s that he picks HORRIBLE friends. HORRRRRRRRIIIIBBBBBLLLLLLEEEEEEEE.
...
“Ladies is pimps, too.”
– Jay-Z (via molls)
Hey, sister? Sibling? Piece of my spirit?
sade:
QUIT FUCKING PUMPING OUT KIDS FROM YOUR VAGINAL AREA
Jesus Christ.
Yeh alright whatever they’re cute and they mispronounce words and hug your thighs because they’re only 2 1/2 ft tall. But shit man, I have to buy all of them Chanukah and Christmas gifts. AND birthday gifts. Is this real life? I can’t take it anymore! I didn’t sign up for this! I’M OUT. I hope they enjoy the sticks of gum...
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Standing Outside the Fire
This morning the fire alarm went off in my entire complex. I thought, “This is it! I’m finally going into ‘The Show’ after countless years of practicing fire safety in elementary and middle schools.”
My dog was howling at the noise, I just put on some jeans, strapped on his collar, and was on my way down the stairs, and then I thought, “Wait. I should probably...
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Why You Shouldn't Drink When Meeting People...and...
Me: I liked Frog! He should be one of our besties!
Gunner: Who? Oh! The Bartender!
Me: The bartender! Yeah!
Gunner: I thought it was Frank, but pronounced like "Fronk". hahahaha
Me: Wait. Are you serious?
Gunner: Yeah, but I don't know what it was! One of us is a retard.
Me: I think I made a joke though about if he was related to lizard or alligator. That joke probably wasn't very good if his name was Fronk...
Gunner: Yeah, and I made a reference to "Father of the Bride"....
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A (Very.) Public Apology
Heyyyyyy I will tell y’all about the fun parts of New Orleans, but first a public apology.
Um, I’m sorry S, S, and J for making you wait outside of the bar for me from 5:00 a.m. until 5:30 a.m.
It won’t happen again.
Wait. The me being too drunk to know what’s best for me might happen again, but not the me being too drunk to be a good friend.
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It's time for bed...
So what does it mean if I went to bed at 5:45 a.m. this morning, woke up at 7:25 a.m. to catch my flight, took a 45 minute nap, and really don’t want to go to bed now at 11:15 p.m.??
Pretty sure I will be hallucinating soon.
“Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them...”
– Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (via kari-shma) (via quote-book)
“I love hugging. I wish I was an octopus, so I could hug ten people at a time.”
– Drew Barrymore (via kari-shma) (via quote-book)
I’m the opposite. Don’t f-ing touch me!
“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”
– Oscar Wilde (via writingsarah) (via quote-book)
SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, Max’s MOM!!!!!! You just have a lack of imagination. Come to the wild side like me.
A Day of Infamy
Yesterday whilst explaining something about the birthing process, I said the word “vagina” to my father.
That’s right. I said “vagina” to my dad.
I was shocked even though he has taught me such a valuable term as “5th Base” and definitely told me someone was a “douchebag” once.
In the split second that I made the decision to say…the...
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I don't think you're getting this
On Sunday I went to a brunch for one of my best high school friend’s who is deciding to leave us to New York. I was just around friends having a good time, and wasn’t overly concerned with what I was saying. There was a girl sitting next to me who worked at a wine bar. The wine bar Doctor often frequented (yes, he’s homo - more on that later.)
I said, “Oh, you probably...
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How to tell you're a douche
You’re 30, and hitting on someone in college.
I felt bad when I did that and was only two FINE! three years out of college, but he was SUPER cute so you can’t blame me. I would do it again…and he might be out by now.
This isn’t sounding so good for me, is it?
Wait! I’m not 30…we’re still good.
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I should have added this...
Last night I looked through all of my DVD’s (which, sadly, only count to about 10-15) and only one actually had a DVD in it.
You wanna’ know which one?
Cinderella.
That’s right, bitches. I own the 50th anniversary edition of Cinderella. What? Jealous?
I have no idea where all of the other DVD’s are…F!
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A note
A little bit about me: I don’t currently own (nor think I ever will) an undershirt that has actually stayed white; They are all a form of gray. I make horrible decisions in the people I like. I am a bad driver (I have exactly 3 dents, and a scrape to prove it). I don’t like to have people over to my house, because it is always messy. My dishwasher is currently not working, and I...
“To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody...”
– E.E. Cummings (via quote-book)
“An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.”
– Proverbs 24:26